It's Not Love, Idiot
by DarkDefender89
Summary: AU: Ricky isn't the father of Amy's baby & neither is Ben. Amy tells her friends one half of her secret, that she had sex & that she's pregnant, but she left out a very important detail: she didn't WANT to have sex. She was forced.
1. Chapter 1

AU: Ricky is not the father of Amy's baby (no, Ben isn't either

_**AU:**__ Ricky is not the father of Amy's baby (no, Ben isn't either.). Amy told her friends that she is pregnant and that she had sex, but when they asked her who the father of the baby is Amy closed up._

**Ch.1**

Amy walked up to her locker and saw her two best friends, Lauren and Maddison, standing at her locker waiting for her.

"Hey Amy," Lauren said.

"Hey, Amy said. She closed her eyes and then opened them again, preparing to tell her two best friends half of the truth. "So guess what?" Amy said.

"What?" Maddison asked.

"I…I kind of had sex," Amy said.

"That's not possible," Maddison said. "Who was it? Was he hot?" No, no, no. Amy silently wished that it wasn't possible. She wanted to crawl into a ball and hide in her locker for the rest of her life. She didn't want anyone to see the bruises.

"And…" Amy whispered, "I think I might be pregnant."

"What?" Lauren asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, anyways, I have to get to class," Amy said, shoving her backpack into her locker and holding onto her white binder as tightly as possible and she didn't really notice that she was practically running.

"Amy, wait…why are you in such a hurry?" Maddison asked.

"N..n…no r..reason," Amy stuttered.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Amy usually sat in the front row, but even though this was English Literature, her favorite class, she wasn't in the mood to be seen or heard. All she wanted to do was forget but his voice was trapped inside her head.

_(Flashback:_

_It was dark outside. Mom and dad were fighting and Amy couldn't stand it. She needed fresh air, and frankly she didn't really care that it was 10:00 p.m. She was tired of sitting in her bathroom blaring her music to drown out the never-ending circle of violence between mom and dad that never seemed to stop. Amy was wearing black pajama pants and a short pink tank top. Usually she wouldn't go outside in her pajamas, but she wasn't really thinking and she just wanted to escape everything._

_It was windy. Amy watched as mauroon cars and blue cars and white cars passed her by. She was bored. She read the license plate numbers to distract herself. 'Shit, I didn't bring my phone,' Amy thought, but didn't really give it that much thought. She knew how to find her way home. And it wasn't like anyone would try to kill her or anything._

_She hadn't realized how long she had been out when she passed by the park and realized that she must have walked at least 5 miles. She sat down on the ruddy wooden bench and thought about how nice the wind felt on her sweaty hair. She closed her eyes for a second._

_Then all of a sudden she felt a needle jab into her shoulder. "Who are you? Who are you?" Two men grabbed Amy, blindfolded her, and took her to an empty warehouse. Amy felt like she was losing consciousness, had the men drugged her? She fought to stay awake. They drugged her, but she refused to fall asleep. Amy felt hazy but she didn't fall asleep._

_One of the men pulled off her blindfold and started slapping her in the face. He tied her to a pole and pulled off her pants. "NO!!" Amy said, and kicked him, noticing that the man had long dark-brown hair and tan skin. "NOOO! No! Please stop!" She screamed and squirmed and kicked him again but that only made him angrier. He started hitting her and then he ripped open her shirt and her underwear and pushed himself inside of her. "No!" Amy cried. He slapped her._

"_My turn," the other man said, but there was no way in hell Amy was going to let him come any where near her. She squirmed and tried to get her hands untied. She twisted her neck around and tried to bite the rope that tied her hands together and to the pole. It was to no avail._

"_No!! No!!" Amy screamed, kicking the first man in the place where it would hurt the most. He fell to the ground. _

_The other man walked over to Amy. "I have a gun," he said, pointing it at her head._

"_No, no, please don't kill me…" Amy said._

_The man put the gun away. "Struggle, and you will be dead. You hear?" he said as he was pulling down his pants._

"_No, no p…p…please d…d…don't r…rape me," Amy stuttered._

"_Ah, you're going to stutter now, you worthless bitch," the second man said. The first man got up. "Hurry up, Nate. Do her before someone hears her screaming."_

"_NOOO!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!" Amy screamed, but no one came. The second man, Nate, pushed inside of her. Afterwards, he untied her and threw her down on the cold cement and left the building with the first man._

_Amy curled up in a ball. She was in so much pain. There were bruises all over her body. She was bloody and then she panicked. She had lost her virginity to two total strangers. No, they forced her. Technically she wasn't a virgin but really she was because rape doesn't really count as sex._

_Amy didn't have a phone._

_Amy didn't know where she was._

_Amy was scared and cold and she didn't know what to do._

_She took a deep breath and then did the only thing she could do. She grabbed her torn clothes and struggled to put them back on. She struggled to stand up and then she walked outside, figured out where she was, and started walking home. It was late, probably around 3 a.m. Amy climbed into the house through her window._

"_What were you doing out so late?"_

_Amy heard her sister Ashley's voice. Ashley was sitting in Amy's room. Then Ashley saw the bloodied Amy. "What happened?" Ashley asked. Amy started to cry. Ashley hugged Amy and told her that everything would be alright. But nothing was going to be alright._

"_What happened, Ames?" Ashley asked. Amy closed up. She felt ashamed. _

"_Nothing," Amy said._

"_You're bloody, Amy, and your clothes are torn. Were you…were you….?" Ashley started to ask but stopped midair._

"_Was I what?" Amy asked. "Don't tell mom…." Amy said._

"_Were you?" Ashley asked._

"_y…y…yes. I w…w…was r…raped," Amy said, barely a whisper._

"_You have to tell mom," Ashley said._

"_No, Ash, I can't…" Amy said as she staggered into her bathroom to wash all of the evidence away. She felt dirty and disgusting and she just wanted to pretend that nothing even happened and everything was just peachy. But it wasn't._

_End of flashback__)_

Amy was sitting in her Lit class but she wasn't paying attention. She felt hot and sweaty and she could see the two men who attacked her everywhere even though they weren't anywhere in sight. What if they came back for her? 'At least they didn't kill me,' Amy rationalized to herself, but it didn't make her feel any better. What they did to her was worse. They had taken a piece of her and she would never be able to get it back.

Amy heard the teacher talking; she heard that she was asking a question about the book everybody was supposed to have out, _Tess Of The D'urbervilles._ "Can anyone point out any metaphors in chapters 10 and 11, the chapters you were assigned to read last night?" Amy closed her eyes. She wanted to be anywhere but here. She vaguely saw someone raise his or her hand and answer the teacher's question. The teacher asked another question. "Did any plot developments add to the characterization of Tess? Of Alec?"

Amy still wasn't paying attention, but the teacher called on her. "Miss Jurgens?"

"Oh…um..wh…what was the question?" Amy asked.

"You should have been paying attention, " the teacher scolded.

"I…I…I was," Amy insisted.

"Did any plot developments add to the characterization of Tess? Of Alec?" the teacher repeated. Amy had read the whole book, and she didn't want to talk about it. Alec was a disgusting, filthy creature. He was…what he did to Tess…

Amy started to panic. It was too similar too what happened to her. She couldn't focus.

"I…I…I can't," Amy said and ran out of the room. She ran to the bathroom and realized that she was nauseous. Shit, the bastards had gotten her pregnant. She couldn't help but wonder which one of them was the father.

Someone knocked on the stall Amy was in.

"Amy, are you alright?"

It was Grace. Amy didn't even know Grace, there was no way she was going to talk to her about what happened or why she was so upset.

"I'm f…f..fine. Leave me alone," Amy muttered.

"Why did you get so upset in class? About _Tess of the D'urbervilles_?" Grace asked with a soothing voice.

"I…um…I didn't read it," Amy said.

"You were crying, Amy. Do you care that much about grades?" Grace asked.

"Yes," Amy insisted. "Please leave."

"Fine," Grace said, but her instincts told her that something was up; that something in the book had upset her.

To be continued…..


	2. Chapter 2

During dinner that day Amy and Ashley were both quiet

During dinner that day Amy and Ashley were both quiet.

"Guys, is something up?" their mom asked.

"No, no nothing's up," Amy said all too quickly.

"Are you sure?" their mom asked.

"Y…yes mom, I'm sure," Amy said.

"I'm not hungry," Ashley said and pulled her chair out and stood up.

"Me either," Amy said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

In Ashley's room

"You have to tell her, Amy," Ashley said.

"No," Amy said. "Besides, it's been two weeks since the bastards attacked me. It's not like they're gonna go after me again…"

"You can't keep this inside of you," Ashley said. She could tell that there was deep-seated pain in Amy's eyes. She was trying so hard to hold it in but Ashley knew that the shadow would explode.

"I'm o..o…over it, r..really," Amy insisted.

"Then how come you're stuttering? You always stutter whenever you're hiding something or lying," Ashley said.

Amy looked down at the floor. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. So far Ashley was the only one who knew, and Amy hoped to keep it that way. Except…she was pregnant. Well, she didn't have to tell anyone that she was raped. She would just pretend that the father of her baby was some random kid from school. That drummer boy, Ricky, was kind of hot. Amy winced. He wasn't hot. She couldn't stand the thought of any boy touching her right now.

"Amy?" Ashley asked again, noticing that Amy was in some sort of trance. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm…" Amy started.

"What?" Ashley asked.

Amy shook her head. She collapsed to the ground and held her head and she felt like he was on top of her all over again. "No, no, no…!" she screamed, shaking back and forth violent. It wasn't until she felt Ashley's gentle hands holding her that she realized that she was safe, she was in Ashley's room, she was just having a panic attack. That had happen off and on since it happened. She relived her attack over and over again in her mind.

"Shh," Ashley whispered. "You're safe."

"Ash?" Amy asked.

"Yeah?" Ashley replied.

"I'm…I'm pregnant."

Silence invaded the room for a few brief moments. Then Ashley said, "Then you have to tell…"

"No I don't," Amy said.

"But people will notice when you…um….get bigger," Ashley said.

"They don't have to know that it was…." Amy started but didn't finish the sentence. She didn't want to say the word. She just wanted to forget about it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Later that night, around 11 p.m.**

Amy couldn't sleep. She walked down to the kitchen and poured a glass of orange juice. She was tired of the nightmares. She wished she could just abandon sleep forever. She wanted to be awake and alert. She wanted to be strong; she didn't want to be seen as a victim. That was why she couldn't tell anyone. She couldn't face the truth. She couldn't face that she hadn't been able to overpower him; that she hadn't been able to escape.

Amy sat down at the kitchen table and thought about how messed up her life was. Once she started showing the whole school was going to think that she was a slut. Unless she told the truth, and then, of course, they would treat her like a victim, and she didn't want that.

Amy's body seized up when she heard footsteps, but when she heard the refrigerator door open she quickly glanced over and realized it was only her mother.

"What are you doing up?" Amy's mother asked. Amy heard the concern lodged in her mother's voice but she just wanted so badly for everything to be okay. She couldn't remember if the two men had threatened to come after her again. They probably wouldn't. But she couldn't stop thinking about it. Every ounce of her body begged for her to give in and tell her mother so she can feel safe in her mother's arms but she just couldn't.

"I couldn't sleep," Amy sighed.

"Me either," her mother said.

"You were fighting with dad." Amy's voice was a monotone.

The silence was so damn loud. Amy wanted to scream. She kept her thoughts inside of her. No one needed to know. They probably wouldn't care. Maybe they would even think that she was lying.

"You don't even care about Ashley and me anymore," Amy said. She tried to stop tears from falling down her face, but she couldn't stop her body's natural reaction.

"Of course I do…. Come here, honey," Amy's mom said in a soothing voice as she pulled Amy into a hug. Amy sat there, frozen and sobbing, ashamed that she was crying and scared that her mother knew the truth.

"I love you, Ames. Everything will be alright. I love you and your daddy loves you. Just because we fight with each other doesn't mean we don't love you."

Amy was shaking. She couldn't help it. She wanted to say something but her vocal cords were paralyzed. She felt herself nodding and heard herself utter the methodical words, "I love you, everything's alright, I'm going up to bed now."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

At school the next day, Amy tried to focus but she couldn't. She avoided Grace in the hallways because she didn't want Grace to figure out her secret. Grace was a goody-goody Christian girl; she had probably read the whole book too, so she would know that Tess had been raped by Alec and ended up pregnant as a result. What scared her the most was the fact that near the end Tess ends up in a relationship with Alec, but ends up killing him.

"Amy," Madison asked when the two of them were standing in the hallway when the lunch bell had finally rung.

"What?" Amy asked.

"You're hiding something," Madison said, pulling her into the girl's bathroom and making sure no one was in any of the stalls.

"No I'm not," Amy insisted.

"Then why won't you tell me who knocked you up?" Madison asked.

"He didn't _knock me up,_ he…he….never mind," Amy said.

"No, what? Tell me, Amy," Madison said.

"No. I'm gonna go looking for him. I need to tell him that he got me pregnant."

"Are you saying you don't even know who he is?" Madison asked.

"Well….there are two people it could be," Amy said, realizing too late that she had said way too much.

"WHHhat!! You had two one-night stands??" Madison yelled.

Amy started crying. "I didn't have any freaking one-night stands, okay?! Okay!! Just leave me alone. It wasn't my fault."

"What do you mean it wasn't your fault?" Madison asked, confused. Tears kept rolling down Amy's eyes. She couldn't stop them from falling.

"It doesn't matter. I have to go. I have to find him," Amy said, running out of the bathroom terrified that one of her best friends knew but also determined that she actually would go out searching for her two rapists. Was she freaking losing her mind?? She couldn't explain it. She couldn't stop obsessing about them.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Madison stood in the bathroom, dumbfounded. What had Amy meant? There were two possible fathers now?? Madison knew she shouldn't have screamed at Amy the way she did. Madison texted Lauren.

**Madison:**** she told me she's gonna go search for the father of her baby.**

**Lauren:**** so he should know. She should tell him that the baby is his. He should have some responsibility.**

**Madison:**** she doesn't know who the father is.**

**Lauren:**** she's lying.**

**Madison:**** no, I mean she said that there were two possible fathers.**

**Lauren: ****what??**

**Madison:**** I yelled at her for having two one-night stands & she started crying & told me 2 leave her alone & said it wasn't her fault.**

**Lauren:**** Madison, ur an idiot.**

**Madison:**** What?**

**Lauren:**** she said it wasn't her fault. Don't be a moron.**

**Madison:**** wht do u mean?**

**Lauren:**** we have to stop her fr/ looking 4 him.**

**Madison:**** wtf?! A second ago u said he should kno.**

**Lauren:**** he's a fucking asshole! What do u think she meant when she said it wasn't her fault?**

**Madison:**** I still don't kno wht ur talking about.**

**Lauren:**** i still think ur an idiot but maybe im just jumping 2 conclusions. But if she really said it wasn't her fault what is tht supposed to mean? Be logical.**

**Madison:**** what u think that he….raped her?**

**Lauren:**** if he did, he'll do it again, don't u think?**

**Madison:**** but u said u were probably just jumping to conclusions.**

**Lauren:**** Amy would never have sex. None of us would…**

**Madison:**** fine, maybe ur right. I hope not b/c she ran out in a hurry I think she was serious about looking 4 him.**

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Amy knew that cutting school was wrong, but she simply couldn't face her friends if they knew what happened to her. She started walking in the same direction she had been walking that fated night and couldn't stop crying. She remembered that the first man had called the second man Nate, and when they tossed her on the ground she thought she had heard Nate say, "Hurry up, Jedson, do you freaking want to be caught?" Nate had hurried out, but the man supposedly called Jed had went back to Amy and kicked her in the chest. "Don't fucking tell anyone, bitch, or I swear I will kill you." He felt up her breasts before running away into the cold dark night. She had blocked this part out at first. It had almost drowned in the abyss that was her unconscious memories, but the threat felt way too real now that she had practically told Madison, who would probably tell Lauren. And….both of them would probably tell the whole school. They wouldn't mean to. They just aren't that good at keeping secrets.

She decided that it was stupid to go out searching for Jedson or Nate without researching. Maybe she could take a self-defense course and then go after them? No, it would be too late. All remnants of evidence had washed away, anyways, so it wasn't like the police could help her now anyways. She was furious that Jedson had taken her virginity from her. She was going to go after him. She was going to kill the fucking son-of-a-bitch. _At least, she thought she was._

Amy walked back to the school building. If she was going to go after him, she had to be prepared. She had to plan her attack. And there was no point in missing school. She looked at her watch, realizing that lunch would be over in five minutes and that she could still be back at the school in time for her next class.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Lauren was relieved when she saw Amy rush into their pre-calculus class a couple minutes after the bell rang.

"Why are you late?" the teacher asked.

"I….I…I d…d…don't know," Amy stuttered.

"Just don't let it happen again," the teacher said.

'Yeah,' Lauren thought. 'Don't let it happen again.' She knew that Amy could be stubborn. Once she made her mind up to do something, she didn't back down. Lauren decided she could risk passing Amy a note, seeing as she sat right behind her.

Lauren handed a crimpled up piece of paper to Amy. Amy opened it. It read: **Were you?**

Amy quickly wrote a note back: **What the fuck do you mean?**

Lauren wrote a note back: **I'll talk to you after class. Just don't do anything stupid.**

Amy wrote a note back: **What did Madison tell you?**

Lauren just shook her head. "After class," she mouthed.

"what?" Amy whispered.

"Amy, Lauren, why are you talking? And don't think I didn't see you passing notes," the teacher said. To both Amy and Lauren's relief, the bell rang. They were saved by the bell.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The last class of the day was over. Amy sighed and walked out of the classroom, not even turning to look at Lauren.

"Wait, Amy, wait…" Lauren said.

"What?" Amy asked, turning around. Her voice sounded agitated.

"I just wanted to talk," Lauren said.

"About what?" Amy asked in a nonchalant manner. She pretended that everything was just fine. If she played dumb then maybe everyone would forget about it.

Lauren looked around to make sure no one else was in sight. Shit, the hallway was swarming with people.

"You know, what you told me yesterday," Lauren said.

"I'm not telling you who the father is," Amy whispered.

"Do you even know?" Lauren asked, but instantly regretted it.

Amy just nodded her head. "Of course I know," Amy lied. She wondered of she could get a paternity test before the baby was born. She could go to a free clinic and just tell the doctor that she slept around and wanted to know who the father of her baby was. She had to go to the doctors anyways. She knew that pregnancy was not the only risk there was in having sex. Amy shuddered. 'No, I'm not even going to think about that; they didn't look like they had any weird STD,' Amy thought to herself.

"You do know you have options, right?" Lauren asked. "You could, you know…._take care of it_." Amy thought about the possibility. Should she? Could she possibly keep the child and be reminded about what happened to her? 'No, I have to be strong,' Amy thought to herself. 'Maybe I can give the child up for adoption. Or maybe mom can help me raise him or her, if she isn't too furious at me,' Amy thought.

"I know," Amy said softly.

"You should go to a doctor, anyways. You know….just to make sure the child's alright and all. And you do know that you have to tell your parents, right?" Ashley said.

"I'm not telling my parents," Amy said. "I can't."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**In Amy's pediatrician's waiting office**

The chair Amy was sitting on was cold, so cold. Amy was shivering. She was so hungry. 'Well, I guess being pregnant does that,' Amy thought, repressing a giggle. 'Makes you hungrier, because there's another life growing inside of you.' For a second Amy was almost excited but then she felt something ripping at her heart oh yeah that was her brain reminding her that she wasn't supposed to be excited…this was horrible. She was fifteen and pregnant. She was fifteen and pregnant with…_his_…baby. Which of course was followed with the loud trumpet blaring inside of her head reminding her that she didn't even know who the father was. Shit.

"Amy Jurgens?" the female pediatrician called.

Amy clung to her purse and stood up. She walked into the office. Suddenly she was completely confident. She wasn't frozen anymore.

"Yep, that's me," Amy said.

"How are you doing today?" the doctor asked.

"I…I don't know how to say this, but…I think I'm pregnant," Amy said.

"Did you already do the test?" the doctor asked.

"What test?" Amy asked. "No, don't. You don't need to do the test. Nothing happened. No test. Please."

"I mean a pregnancy test," the doctor said. "And didn't you just say that you thought you were pregnant?"

Amy closed her eyes. Law & Order SVU used to be her favorite show but she didn't want any doctor prodding her privates to find evidence. The test…well, it was actually called a rape kit. But of course that wasn't what the doctor meant. Amy sighed in relief. She hoped she hadn't given herself away.

"Oh," Amy said. "Yeah, yeah, I bought one of those pregnancy tests. Y…yeah, it had the p…p…plus sign."

The doctor talked to Amy about prenatal vitamins and about being careful and not over-exercising, in order to ensure the safety of the baby. The doctor told her that she was a little more than two weeks along, but, of course, Amy already knew that.

"Do I have any…you know…STDs?" Amy asked.

The doctor shook her head. A/N: I have no clue how the doctors would find anything out but anyways she doesn't. "No, you don't," the doctor said. Amy sighed a breath of relief.

"Um…" Amy wasn't sure how to ask this. "Is there a way to find out who the father is?"

"Yes, paternity tests can be done before the baby's born," the doctor said, "But you look pretty young…how could there be more than one guy?"

"There just is, okay?" Amy said. "I really want to know."

"Okay," the doctor said. "It's not a long procedure. All it takes is inserting a needle into your stomach to get a sample of the fluids. Then the DNA can be analyzed. One thing though. I would need the consent of a parent."

"Why?" Amy asked.

"It's just a policy," the doctor reassured Amy.

"B...b...but…I don't want to them to know. They'll be mad when I work up the confidence to tell them I'm pregnant. They don't have to know I slept with more than one guy," Amy said. The doctor could tell something was up. She understood why a teenager wouldn't want her parents to know that he or she was having sex, much less with more than one person, but Amy just didn't seem like the person who would sleep around. She seemed so innocent and naïve. She seemed so fragile and broken.

"Do you really want to know who the father is?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," Amy replied, determined. Her voice suddenly sounded strong and fierce. Despite her naïve outer appearance, the doctor could sense that there was so much more to Amy. She was tough. She would never back down. "I want to know so I can tell him," Amy explained. "He has the right to know."

"Well, how old are you?" the doctor asked.

"Fifteen," Amy replied.

"Well….," the doctor said, against her instincts, "I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Amy filled out the paperwork and then the paternity test was done. A/N: I don't really know how to describe it, so I won't.

"I need DNA from the possible fathers before I can determine who the father is," the doctor explained.

"Okay, I'll take care of it," Amy said. "I'll get you a sample. I'm sure they'll let me." Of course, she knew that they wouldn't let her…she had to track her down and obtain a sample of their DNA in a sneaky way and hope not to be caught and beaten and raped again or even killed. But she needed to know. She needed to know.

"The information will stay on a file with your name. Just bring me the samples in a secure, labeled container when your friends give it to you. Don't touch the sample….wear gloves. Hair would work; so would a swab from their mouth," the doctor instructed.

Amy left the doctor's office, more determined than ever to track down both of her rapists and get a sample of DNA. She knew their names and she knew what they looked like. She could use myspace and facebook to track them down and find out where they live. They couldn't live that far.

It was risky, yes. But she would rather die than not know.

_To Be Continued….._


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show and I don't own the song I'm using, "Runaway" by Thriving Ivory**

**Ch.3**

Amy was sitting at her desk, staring at the blank screen of her laptop. She was just about to log in to when she heard Anne calling Amy and Ashley down for dinner.

"Girls! Dinner's ready!"

Amy closed her laptop and stared out of the window of her bedroom, thinking about the leaves that were falling off the willow tree in her backyard and the sun that was still shining and about the things she found out while she was sleeping last night. Who knew how powerful dreams could be – how they could suddenly make a person strong and determined. Because the truth didn't even matter anymore. Amy didn't even know what mattered.

_I am more than you know, street lights and open roads  
I am more than a face, stuck living in one place  
So call me California  
Call me what you will  
Cause I am bigger than this place  
And so far from alone_

Amy turned off the lights in her room and walked downstairs to the kitchen, thinking about her decision to search for the men who hurt her. She wanted to know which one of them was the father of her unborn baby, but she didn't know _why_ she wanted to know, and that scared her. It scared her that she even cared. 'Shouldn't I just want to forget about them?' Amy asked herself. But the truth was, she didn't. She had nightmares about what happened to her but that wasn't the only thing that was bothering her.

The cheese bread and corn-on-the-cob on Amy's place would taste delicious at any other time, but as Amy swallowed the food, it did not have any taste. Quickly finishing her dinner, Amy stood up. "Mom, I finished my dinner. May I be excused?"

"Sure. Wash the dishes for me, honey?" Anne asked.

"Sure, mom," Amy said.

_I don't believe in your hate, cause these scars are gonna fade  
So pour me out like water, and soak me up like rain_

The sound of the water pouring out of the faucet was somehow had a calming effect on Amy as she rinsed today's dirt off of the dishes. Porcelain and glass could break but at least porcelain and glass could be cleaned. Once a thought enters a person's mind, it can never leave. 'That's why it was so dangerous to decide to do something', Amy thought, 'Because it can easily…and so quickly…turn into 

something else.' Amy didn't know what yet, but it sent a chill down her spine. Her legs were shivering and she had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Hey mom, I'm just going to sit outside for a while. It looks really nice out," Amy said. She ran up to her room and grabbed her laptop. She figured she could think better outside. And outside, no one would see what she was searching.

_Like a runaway  
Spend these nights counting stars  
Like a runaway  
And maybe I could call this home tonight  
Like a runaway_

Amy sat on the deck in her backyard, listening to the sound of the blowing wind intently. She created a fake account for www.myspace .com using the name Kye. Opening up another tab, Amy did the same thing with , using a different name, Kelsi, as her fake username. Facebook was more popular nowadays, so Amy decided to use facebook as her search engine first. She typed the name "Jedson" into the search box at the top of the screen. There were only 62 results. At least there wasn't 2,000 or something like that…that would definitely have made it much harder to narrow the search down.

_I whisper all these secrets, to a blank page on a line  
Said we don't speak like lovers, and my words are dripping with wine  
So call me California  
Call me what you will  
Cause I am bigger than this place  
And so far from alone_

Amy sat there for hours, studying facebook profile pictures, paying attention to every little detail. Even though she couldn't view any actual profile due to facebook's privacy settings, the information displayed for everyone to see included the city and state the person lived in. Obviously, a Jedson who lived in Brazil wasn't the Jedson who raped her, so that one could be eliminated. Using this process, Amy narrowed down the possibilities to three different Jedsons. Amy stared up at the darkening sky, watching with fascination as the moon replaced the sun and the stars sparkled without even the slightest hint of being touched by the darkness.

_Like a runaway  
Spend these nights counting stars  
Like a runaway  
And maybe I could call this home tonight  
Like a runaway_

It wasn't really that hard to narrow it down after that, because Amy remembered exactly what Jedson looked like. The image of his face haunted her every step, and the photograph of Jedson Reddick taunted her. It was him. Amy was surprised that she wasn't trembling when she clicked on the "Add Friend" button…well, when Kelsi clicked the button, because this wasn't Amy's facebook, it was Kelsi's, with the fake e-mail address Amy had created for Kelsi with fake information.

_When burning bridges won't come down  
Like symphonies without a sound  
I spend these nights counting stars  
And wonder if there's hope for me out there_

Amy googled Jedson Reddick's name, hoping to find any additional information, maybe an address. Sighing, Amy turned off her computer, figuring that she would do this one at a time. There would be no point in searching for Nate if Jedson Reddick turned out to be the one who got her pregnant. Now all that was left was the waiting. This was supposed to be the easy part. The hard part would be actually facing Jedson.

_Like a runaway  
Spend these nights counting stars  
Like a runaway  
And maybe I could call this home tonight_

Who was Amy now? And what was she doing? She sure as hell didn't know. But she was excited. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before as she stared at the dark sky behind her childhood home, wondering what was out there, wondering why things had happened the way they did or if there really was a reason. In the silence fate was guiding Amy Jurgens with invisible hands, encouraging her, helping her to believe that if she didn't do this, she would regret it forever. Jedson Reddick took something from Amy. Therefore Amy wanted to know Jedson Reddick. She wanted him to apologize. She wanted him to take responsibility for his actions. She wondered if human beings could ever really change, or if she could ever forgive Jedson, but that was the only way that she could let go of what he did to her.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch

**Ch.4**

It was time to tell the truth, well, at least part of the truth. Amy had avoided her parents for too long, and she was sick of lying. She decided to break the news during dinner that night. Meanwhile, she sat on her bed browsing facebook on her real account talking to her friends. She consciously knew that she was trying to distract herself, but it wasn't working. She decided to check Kelsi's facebook account. She didn't want to look. She didn't want to have any messages. She didn't even know what she would say if she did have messages. She thought about posting fake pictures, but then decided that no photo is better than a fake photo because then it isn't really lying. At least, it _less_ like lying.

But there were messages. Amy clicked on the message and sure enough, it was from Jedson Reddicks. The message was:

**Do I know you?**

Amy wasn't sure what to type; she wasn't sure what to say. What would she say, 'hey, you're the father of my baby!' Amy thought sardonically. But this wasn't the right time for sarcasm. Amy wanted to find Jedson, so she had to learn more about him. She had to act; she had to pretend to be Kelsi. Quickly Amy typed:

**I don't think so but I've been wrong before :D**

She turned away from her computer screen. She hated acting like nothing happened, but nothing happened to Kelsi. Jedson raped Amy, not Kelsi. So she couldn't act angry at Jedson when online as Kelsi or he would get suspicious.

Amy walked away from her computer and waited. She paced back and forth her bedroom and tugged at her hair. She couldn't keep it in anymore. She couldn't wait until dinner. She had to go find her mom and tell her the part of the truth that she was willing to share, that she was pregnant.

"Mom?" Amy called, running out into the hallway.

"What is it, honey?" Anne asked.

"I….I'm pregnant," Amy said.

"What? You're joking," Anne said. "You can't be pregnant, you're only fifteen!!"

Amy shook her head, trying to hold back her tears. "No, no I am mom, I wish I wasn't, but I am."

Anne was speechless. "Well, how did it happen?" she asked.

"Um….sex?" Amy said. "How else would it happen?"

"Are you going to keep it?" Anne asked.

"I don't know. I'm not going to have an abortion, if that's what you mean," Amy said.

Anne looked relieved. The door had been opened, and now there was no turning back. Amy sat down and leaned against the wooden railing above the staircase and her mother hugged her, letting her know that it was okay; that it would work out in the end.

"I won't tell you that I'm not angry," Anne said, "But we're going to get through this. I'll set up an appointment with a doctor."

"Okay," Amy nodded.

"We have to get you started on prenatal vitamins," Anne said. "If you're going to do this, you might as well do it right."

Amy waited for the dreaded question: who's the father? Maybe she wasn't going to ask. But there was no way that she would get that lucky. Every mother would want to know.

And sure enough, it came.

"Amy, who's the father?" Anne asked.

Amy was at a loss of words. There was no way to get around this, except for lying. "Um…does it really matter?" Amy asked.

"Yes, of course it matters! Don't you want to tell him? He has a right to be a part of his baby's life," Anne said.

'No, no he doesn't,' Amy thought. 'You can't have what doesn't belong to you, and if you steal something, then it doesn't really belong to you, because you never really paid for it and never really planned to.'

"We, u..um…we b..broke u…u…up," Amy stuttered. Well, that was the biggest understatement of the century. "I…I don't really w…w…want to talk about him now."

"Why did you break up?" Anne asked.

"I said, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT," Amy said, running back to her room. Once in the seclusion of her room, she curled into a ball on her white carpet and cried. She must have been lying there for hours, and she hadn't realized that she was sleepy but she dozed off without realizing it and woke up furious that she had slept in the middle of the day. Her life totally, completely wasn't fair.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

All hell broke loose at dinner that night. Amy's parents got into a huge fight and Anne told Amy's dad that she was tired of his lies, and that she had known for a while that he had been cheating on her.

"Just LEAVE!!" Anne screamed. "This isn't your house anymore, you get it?! Why don't you go stay with that sleazy bitch that you're sleeping with, huh?! Huh?!"

"FINE!!" He said, storming out of the kitchen, slamming the door on his way out of the house.

"Why do you want him to leave, mom? Why??" Ashley said between tears. "Please don't tear this family apart, especially now….?"

"What do you mean, especially now?" Anne asked. Amy realized that even though Ashley knew about the rape, Ashley knew nothing about the pregnancy. 'Damn, Ashley better not go blurting out the truth,' Amy thought.

"Nothing, mom, nothing," Ashley said.

"What, did Amy tell you that she was pregnant?" Anne asked.

"WHAT?! Amy's pregnant?!" Ashley screamed, her eyes growing wide.

"So I assume you didn't know," Anne said.

"Well, I know that she…" Ashley started, but Amy reached over the table and put her hand over Ashley's mouth and said, "Shut up, Ash, I mean it!"

"What was Ashley about to say, Amy?" Anne asked.

"Ooh, y…y…you know, th..that I had sex," Amy said, so nonchalantly that she surprised even herself.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Later that night**

"She wouldn't be mad at you, you know, if you just told her the truth," Ashley said.

"No. I'm not telling her the truth," Amy insisted.

"Why?" Ashley asked.

"Because. I'm going to go out looking for him," Amy said, as if it were nothing.

"WHAT?!" Ashley said, completely, 100 shocked. "Why?!"

"I don't exactly know," Amy said, and it was partly the truth. She knew the technical reasons she was planning to search for Jedson: (1) she wanted to know which one of them were the father of her baby, and (2) she wanted him to apologize, and maybe she even wanted to get back at him. But she didn't _really_ know why she _really _decided to go looking for Jedson.

"You're crazy, Amy. What if he kills you?" Ashley said.

"He didn't kill me then. He won't kill me when I find him," Amy said.

"How can you be so sure??" Ashley demanded.

"I just am," Amy said.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: okay, okay you're going to be surprised I promise you, but please don't flame, okay

**A/N: okay, okay you're going to be surprised I promise you, but please don't flame, okay? Remember that this is a FICTION (meaning NOT REAL) story. Ok? & please review.**

**Chapter 5**

Finding him hadn't really been Amy's biggest problem. _That_ part hadn't even mattered; he had already done the worst he could to her, so at this point, she figured that it wouldn't hurt to look for him, talk to him. The biggest problem had been that it would kind of _look _like she was running away.

Amy had written a note:

_Mom, Ashley:_

_Please don't be worried about me. I will be back in a couple days, maybe less. There is something I have to do, okay? I'm fine, I promise you, and I'll call if that changes in any way, in any sense of the matter._

Except now, she was standing on the road and it was raining. She held the slip of paper that she had printed out that had Jedson Reddick's address. She was almost there. The vicinity almost scared her, but then something struck her. She didn't have to be afraid. She didn't even have to do any of that fear nonsense. She could feel however she wanted to. If only it were that easy, for a feeling to change. _But when her feelings did change, she would be asking God to change them back. She would be asking God if she could have her old feelings back._

Amy wasn't afraid. She walked up Jedson's front steps and she didn't even look back. She couldn't change her mind now. Amy rang the doorbell. She thought about hoping that no one would answer. She thought about it, but she didn't ask God to make Jedson not be home. She needed to face Jedson. He had to own up to what he did.

Jedson opened the door. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I want you to apologize," Amy said in a determined, detective-like voice, not sounding at all like a victim. "I want you to know that thanks to you, I'm pregnant." Amy didn't even cry. She didn't have any tears left.

"Well, it could be Nate's," Jedson said, trying to evade responsibility.

"Yeah well I want to know," Amy said.

"Why do you want to know?" Jedson asked.

"Okay, listen, Jedson," Amy said with a fierce, powerful voice. "I didn't report it. I'm not going to, okay? I just need a sample of DNA to see if the baby is yours or if it is Nate's. Then I'll leave you alone, I promise."

"Fine," he said, pulling out a strand of hair from his head. "But if it turns out you're lying and you go and give this to the cops, then I swear to God I'll kill you."

"Ha. Like you believe in God," Amy said in disbelief at his audacity.

"Of course I believe in God. I was drunk, okay? I was wrong and I'm sorry," Jedson said.

"Being drunk isn't an excuse. Just give me one good reason I shouldn't turn you in? I mean, now that I have this?" Amy said, holding up the strand of hair, tucking it safely into the locked container she brought, turning the lock, and slipping it into her pocket. "Yeah, I came prepared, I'm not a fool. You fucking raped me, you bastard, what, did you expect me to be nice to you?! Huh?!" Amy screamed, angry as hell now.

**Jedson's POV**

Jedson stared at his shoes. It was still raining outside. Two silhouettes stood face to face, clear black rain drops threatening to turn their whole universe into one big hell of an oblivion. Maybe oblivion would even be nice. Ignorance was bliss, right? But it wasn't, not really.

He really was sorry. He didn't know what had come over him. He had been out partying with his brother Nate and they had drunk too much, and then their whole world had spun out of control.

Really he was surprised that this fragile, beautiful girl standing in front of him hadn't reported what he did to her. That she wasn't even scared. That he had come to his door. That…..that she could be pregnant. He was only a senior in high school, albeit he was tall for his age, and now that he saw this girl not in a drunk state, he realized that he recognized her as Amy Jurgens. His brother was older, a college student. God, what had he done? Why was he turning into a monster? How could he have hurt such a beautiful, innocent angel?

**Amy's POV**

"I really am sorry," Jedson said.

Amy saw the tears rolling down Jedson's face. And for some reason, she believed him. She believed that he was sorry. She didn't even really hate him anymore. She actually thought that he was kind of cute….

**To be continued…..**


End file.
